Enough is ENOUGH!

I finally..finally realize this life is MINE and no one else's!  Mine to live - to enjoy.  One of the first things I am doing is taking back control.  Not sure why I gave up control - life, job stress..you name it.  I gave up control.  Each day I got up and did everything that everyone expected of me and forgot about the most important person - ME!  I forgot what I wanted/needed.  That me and my wants and needs are just as important than anyone else's.  I forgot that I cannot do everything and be everything to everyone...that I can say No, I'm sorry that doesn't fit into my schedule.

The first step to this - I took some well earned vacation [actually forced to use it or lose it - ha ha] and instead of spending the time doing chores/yard work I decided to take 1 day to do exactly what I wanted.  I got my hair cut, eyebrows waxed, had lunch with a friend, went to the used bookstore and bought several books to read, stopped at Starbucks to enjoy a cup of coffee & read the afternoon away until I had to pick up The Boy from school.  It was WONDERFUL!  I am going to do this at least once/month.  Now that it's summer my schedule is a little more lax.

The next thing I am going to do is to create my "oasis/haven" on my lanai/balcony.  I've already started.  Have the table/chairs.  I have to put the table together and clean up/rearrange the area...

Off to create my oasis..if I can find the disk for my camera - I may just upload a picture or two!

Why is it so easy to break promises to myself?

I give it my all when I give my word to someone else - but I find that I'm constantly breaking promises to myself in favor of doing things for others.  I think it's just one symptom of the way that I'm NOT taking care of myself at the moment and feeling sick & tired because of it.  Such a vicious cycle to be caught in.  I read a blog [the title escapes me at the minute] where the blogger made a few promises to herself.  Things that she wanted to accomplish between Feb 2011 & Feb 2012.  I'm thinking of adapting this concept - only I would do it from 5/11 thru 5/12...being that this is already the 2nd day in May!  Boy how time flies!  I'll have to think about what I'd like to do/accomplish for me in the next year.

It's been awhile...

I haven't been up to much lately - which is the problem.  I work, come home, take care of the kiddo & the dog, and work.  I haven't done anything *fun* in awhile well except for Easter...that was fun but different. My parents are on a month long vacation so all the sibs and I decided to do our own thing.  So the kiddo & I colored Easter Eggs & had our own Easter Egg hunt along w/our neighbors.  We did manage to see a couple of movies.  I loved Rio & I thought Soul Surfer was a very inspirational movie.  Kinda makes me feel ashamed - she did/does more with 1 arm than I do w/2!

This weekend I'm focusing more on *ME*.  Taking time each day to focus on me, myself & I. I don't know what's going on w/me but my "get up & go" and "got up and GONE".  Just one short year ago I was on my way to be a different person.  I was happy with my life & with myself.  I was on my way to a healthy weight & smiling all the time.  What happened?!  Well - lets see...It started w/a guy.  Things moved fast and furious.  At first I believed he was sent to me by God.  I mean I was in a great phase of my life.  Felt complete w/o a "man" in my life and refused to just "settle" for any man.  You see it feels like all of my life I had to "hide" my light under a bushel.  Each boy/man I dated seemed threatened by my talents & gifts.  So in order to keep the relationship - I would take a step back - out of the light...& let them shine.  It's a pattern that I followed time and time again.  In high school I quit playing a sport I love because my BF @ the time felt "threatened" - of course under the guise of not being able to see me because of practice/games.  Guess what?  I quit playing to spend more time w/him...and he kept on playing.  Even in my marriage.  At the end I was a different person.  He didn't like me expressing my own opinions and made me second guess my own thoughts.  I didn't even know my own mind.  Well I guess I fell into that same pattern - yet again.  There were red flags along the way that I chose to ignore.  I let him treat my badly.  Ignoring me/giving me the cold shoulder...the same things my ex-husband used to do...AND I LET HIM.  I guess I haven't learned my lesson yet.  In hind sight I should have been very direct and when I noticed him treating me badly - I should have said something.  This all culminated w/me falling into a depression and gaining weight.  And started another vicious cycle. 
Today is the day...well tomorrow will be.  Today is planning..& goal setting.  In 7 months my baby sister is getting married and in approximately 14 months I'll be taking my kiddo to see my dad's side of the family.  Can't see my relatives looking the way I do..especially since the last time I saw them was when I was in the 8th grade!
Off to MAKE IT COUNT...laundry & dinner are calling..

My weekend..

The boy is still on his trip w/his dad.  Sounds like he's having a blast!  This leaves me with a lot of extra time on my hands.  If I don't make plans for myself I am in danger is sitting in my pj's and watching my DVR all weekend.  Not that there's anything wrong w/that once in awhile.
One of the things that I like to do in my "extra" time that makes a difference in someone's life [therefore making mine count] - is to be neighborly.  One of the neighborhood families have "adopted" me for my spare time when The Boy isn't here.  I am very fortunate to have them as friends/neighbors.  What we have been doing is taking turns cleaning/organizing each other's houses.  This past weekend it was her turn.  We purged old paperwork, got her papers in order to have her taxes done, shredded papers and changed the rear tail light bulb in her car.  Not bad for a Saturday afternoon!
On Sunday I met up w/a friend and did a little shopping - my favorite kind: OFFICE SUPPLIES!  Yup I'm  a geek.  Love walking up and down the the aisles of Office Max, office supply aisles at Target or Walmart.   I found these really pretty folders & hanging folders - now I'm ready to get my files set up for this year - yes just a tad bit late.  But at least my folders will look pretty!
http://www.officemax.com/catalog/sku.jsp?productId=prod2850072&history=hy2xj3o6|prodPage~15^freeText~Divoga^p

Off to feed my pound pup!

Hello

Hello..

My first post.  I had a ton of things to say and now that I'm here in front of the computer - it seems I've drawn a blank!  I decided to start this up more as a journal/reminder for myself to make my life count.  Too many times I've fallen into the trap where I start "existing" rather than "living".  In fact I'm in one of those phases now.  Where I feel like I'm at the bottom of the well.  I can see the light above but have no energy/will to start climbing my way out.  What usually triggers one of these phases are things that happen that are beyond my control/comprehension.  

• Earlier this year I found a lump - yeah one of those.  It totally freaked me out.  Even though the biopsy came back normal - the area does NOT look normal.  I've been back for a few follow up's and all have come back "o.k." although they think I've developed a cyst @ the site of the biopsy.  I'm still freaked.
• With the economy downturn a few of my friends have lost their jobs.  Even though I'm ok so far...It still feels like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

When things like this happen - I usually turn to food.  And I stop exercising..2 things I shouldn't do at the same time.  The above resulted in weight gain [of course].  I'm at the point that I'm tired of feeling tired.  Tired of feeling depressed.  Just tired of being tired.  The Boy travels w/his dad for the next week so I am going to clear out the junk and stop using my elliptical as storage.

What do you do when you feel like life is out of your control?